Separation from a primary caregiver can be experienced as upsetting for any child. For a child who has experienced early relational trauma, separation from their caregiver may trigger overwhelming feelings of abandonment, fear and rejection.

We do not see things as they are, we see things as we are.

Author- Anais Nin

Below are some strategies that have proven effective in helping to strengthen the parent-child relationship in preparation for and during separation. The strategies below should be chosen based on the unique individualized needs of the child and caregiver. Children/youth need to be involved in the planning process and need to be provided with opportunities to connect with their caregivers in ways that promote feelings of trust, intimacy and closeness.

Plan Ahead

Plan far in advance and involve the child or youth in decision making as appropriate and as often as possible. Consider  the emotional experience of the child/youth and engage the substitute caregiver in planning for the transition.

Relationships are Key

The quality of a child/youth's relationship with their substitute caregiver is vitally important. Matching the unique qualities of the child/youth with a caregiver who demonstrates an attuned and available presence will be beneficial.

Offer Reassurance

Children/youth with difficult early histories may experience being separated from their caregiver as a form of abandonment or punishment. It is critical to acknowledge and validate these feelings. Some children/youth may "miscue" their needs by hiding their feelings or by pushing their caregivers away when they actually need to be welcomed in.

Caregivers must identify the underlying emotion behind the behavior and strive to respond to these needs in a timely and sensitive manner.

The child/youth may need ongoing reassurance and support that the caregiver continues to be available to them emotionally. Provide empathic, caring support while bearing in mind that memories from the child's early history may be triggered by the separation.

Transitional Object

Encourage the child/youth and their caregiver to choose meaningful items that represent their relationship. The child/youth's object must be available at all times to help remind him/her of their connection to the  caregiver.  In knowing that the caregiver has with them an object that reminds them of the child/youth, the child is provided with a new experience of being "held in mind".

Keep Memories Close

Ensure the child/youth has access to a photo book or pictures of people with whom they have formed close and supportive relationships.

Place pictures of the child/youth in prominent places throughout the family home and in their room. This will go a long way to reassure the child/youth that they are on the caregiver's mind and are missed when separated.

Create a Calendar

If there is certainty that a schedule can be consistently followed, create calendars for the child and caregiver that track upcoming reunions and other activities that can help bridge the relationship.

For example, keeping track of planned phone calls, visits home and activities (see "Shared Plans") will help the child/youth to be reminded of upcoming opportunities when they can reconnect with their caregiver.

Avoid structuring this activity until adequate safeguards are in place. Feelings of disappointment, sadness and hurt will surely follow missed visits/activities and will serve to further emotionally distance the child from their caregiver.

Shared Plans

Prior to each separation, the caregiver and child/youth should make a shared plan as a way to bridge their reunion.

This plan should be consistent and doable (e.g. make a smoothie when we come back together).

This helps the child/youth keep their caregiver in mind and gives both parent and child something to anticipate that facilitates reconnection. Focus less on the separation and more on reunion and need for connection.

Send Your Voice

Some children/youth may respond well to hearing a recording of their caregiver's voice. The recording is designed to provide comfort and support to the child/youth when they are experiencing overwhelming emotions such as homesickness, worry or frustration. This recording can be sent on a small recording device (i.e. Build a Sound device by  Build-A-Bear®) or on an mp3 player.

Send a Letter

Who doesn't love getting mail? Receiving a letter in the  mail or tucked into luggage is a great way to remind  the child/youth that the caregiver is thinking of them. Include items that the child/youth enjoys and communicates to the child that they are missed and not forgotten (e.g. include an article or story that the caregiver knows is of interest to the child).

Phone Calls or Face Time

Regular and frequent phone calls/face time can be a great way to reconnect. Some children/youth may not spontaneously initiate contact. It will be important for caregivers to remember the importance of focusing on their child/youth's need for closeness by initiating the call themselves.

Remember, regardless of the child/youth's behavior their need for the parent is life long and critical to survival.

Some children/youth may express increased interest in contacting their parent when they are emotionally and behaviorally dysregulated. Access to  the caregiver can be beneficial at these times. The child/youth, along with support from their caregiver(s) also need to develop alternative activities/strategies they can use during moments when phone calls are not safe or possible. Clear limits and expectations regarding phone calls are recommended to ensure predictability and consistency.

Emotional Regulation

Children with difficult early histories often struggle regulating their emotions and may present as emotionally younger than their chronological age. In these circumstances, the child is dependent on their caregivers and counsellors to help them learn the dance of co-regulation. During these moments, it's critical to match expectations to the child/youth's emotional and intellectual ability.

Please refer to the document entitled "Emotional Regulation" for additional strategies that are appropriate for use both in the home and externally.

Read Through the Miscues

When a child is feeling anxious, worried, frightened or upset they need their caregiver to "welcome them in", to protect, comfort, delight and help them regulate their feelings. Some children with difficult early histories learned early on to rely upon themselves and to "go it alone".  This is what we call a miscue.

Miscues are behaviors that hide needs and can be evident at times when the child/youth push their caregiver away during moments when they need them the most.

Common miscues include "I hate you", "I'm ok" (when the child is clearly struggling), a painted-on smile and/or the use of inappropriate  humor. Caregivers should be on the lookout for miscues and focus on ways to read through the miscue and meet the child's underlying need for affection.

Care for the Caregiver

Caregivers too need support to help guide and support them through the separation and reunion process. Caregivers are encouraged to be mindful of their own emotional needs and to surround themselves with supportive relationships. We all know from personal experience that we benefit  from supportive relationships and how important it is to find  ways to care for ourselves while we strive to support children and youth.